TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from area. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let us have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from House, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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